21 August 2009 3:11 AM
Dear Daddy-oh,
Kayso . . this one is actually for my dad, kindah late but whatever. It's not like he's gonna read this anyway though still,meant for
August 20th. Woke up today not knowing what was gonna happen if we had anything planned, if we were gonna go out, nothing . i know we haven't really been getting along lately and all of that but i mean i try my
hardest to do what you and mom expect from me but it never works out , yah i watch my brother and sister, yah i clean , yah i cook, i do whatever i can . but lately we've been arguing about alot . . it's so stupid i honestly do really hate it. i know i probabally piss you off alot with whatever i do but meh . what am i suppose to do when you keep me like this , when you always complain for no reason , get mad for no reason , always on my case .. for no reason ! what am i supppose to do but not give attitude,
i feel as if you have no trust in me what so ever , how the hell do you think that makes me feel. i honestly feel useless and stupid, like i never do anything right , never do anything that's good enough for you guys , it's fucking pathetic . i try holding all my anger in and just take it in cause it's whatever but i mean you really DO push my buttons. i really dont understand what i do for you not to trust me :/ i really dont , like no lie i am a pretty much a "good-girl" , i dont go out, i dont go out and not come home for like 2 days or whatever , i don't smoke . . i dont even go out period. this whole summer i dont even think i've been out at least 10 times, or well i but not with friends , or not with the people i want to actually go out with, not doing anything I want to do , c'mon man i'm seventeen years old , i'm not five fucking years old anymore , why cant you understand that i'm
NOT one of this
" typical " teenagers. i dont do all that stuff that you
THINK i do , i dont know how i could show you that i don't , whenever we arrgue and i actually talk back i tell you what's on my mind, and yaah most of the time i cry and not talk to you but i mean , i only do that because i dont wanna go all out and for you to go even more insane on me , i dont want to let my anger out, i just cry because im stresssed and i feel as if you have no trust at all with me. i know its hard for you because i am the oldest
child GIRL out of all of us but , i do know what i'm doing , i'm not stupid, yaah i may have friends that smoke , yah i have friends that drink , yaah i have friends that smoke weed whatever , but really do i do all of that . .
NO , i dont come home wasted, i dont come home high , nothing none of that. thats why i
REALLY REALLY don't understand why cant you trust me , i may see them do all of that stuff but i have the choice too do it or not , yaah i could do all of that and do whatever i want and keep it a secret from you right ? i could , but i
DONT ! i walk away from it, and turn the other way . . i have respect for my body, and myself , and most of all . . for
you i may not show it all the time, or any time at all but i do . and i do listen to what you have to say you know, i know most of the time you think ' it goes through one year and out the other ' but it does hit that thing insidde my head before it goes out. everything you drain in my head is there, it stays there, its always in the back of my head . ugh , i honestly wish i could tell all of this to you , or show you what i'm actually writing right now, but i can't . . or i could but i choose not to , i have tried telling you some if not most of this stuff, but it seems like you don't lissten to whatever i have to say . yaah i know that your just looking out for me and you dont want be
' doing the things that you did when you were younger ' but i mean, you have to know that i'm not like that . i may not be smart, i may not get all the grades, i may slip with stuff around the house , i may say things at times that i dont mean , i may fight with my sister all the time, but there isn't a way that i found for you to truly trust me . i wish i would know so i could do all that i can , but until that day i will just keep trying and doing whaetver i can. i'm sorry for everything that i do , all my faults , all my slips, all my
'causing you stress' i'm sorry , i'm sorry , i'm sorry . at times i'm also sorry for actually taking over your teenage year , i know you and mom had me young thats why things changed for you guys , and
i'm sorry , i just want you to know that i am now a teenager, i am seventeen years old , i'm independent and i could do things on my own , i am the age that you were when you had me . and i bet i havent even done haaaaaalf of the things you guys did when you were my age . even know i dont do all that shit, i do know that i can do better , i can improve on alot of things, without you guys 'telling/asking' me to do stuff that i don't do . yaah i'm tearing right now but none of that matters because i know i can do it, i know that you guys
'push' me because you don't want me falling or slipping, thinking that i would do whatever you did . but really i wont. i will try my hardest to do that i can, and for you guys to let me be . . let me explore life,and be a teenager that i am. ASKLDFDGKIFLJHBSD ! k whatever , i dont wanna do this anymore plus the fact that it's almost 4 in the morning . but really dad with all the fights, with all the
'hurtful' things that might come out at times, with all the argues, miss understandings, the things i might say , you know that it's all love , whatever doesnt kill any of us only makes us stronger, stronger than we already are happy 35th birthday , i wish you all the luck and plenty more birthdays for you to enjoy <3, once again i really am sorry for everything.
love you always , your babygirl log.ps. this note might not make any sence to any of my lovely stalkers that are reading this right now ,and may not understand but whateves i know what im trying to say . . and i have like a million an one things going through my mind while writing this + the fact that it's almost 4 and i'm sleeepy doesnt help. but whateves, happy birthday once again daddy love you !!
